“I cannot be with a guy who is a virgin. I need a man with experience”

Phew! Tuhdae we are going to be talking about the SEX…the topic that most Christian folks dread but one that I think the church must talk about more to break the shame and stigma the enemy has placed around it. Today’s blog is going to be all up in some people’s business but that’s alright lol. I’ll be diving into a statement I have heard numerous times but somehow, didn’t expect to hear from fellow Christians. 

“I cannot be with a guy who is a virgin. I need a man with experience” 

As soon as I heard this statement, I immediately knew there was something amiss with this train of thought, and I am going to break down why I think it is problematic to think this way, especially as a Christian. I would also like to add that the sole purpose of this blog is to offer a different perspective for someone who may probably think this way. I hope to cause you- if this is your train of thought- to pause, ponder, and ultimately examine why you may agree with this point of view. Another reason for this post is to give more insight on sex and it’s purpose in marriage. Yup, I said marriage, and not relationships because the Bible says not to engage in sexual immorality, and sex before marriage falls into that category. Yes, sex outside of marriage falls under the category of sexual immorality (peekaboo). Oh…I repeated it twice because I thought someone said to repeat it for the people in the back.

My first issue with the statement, “I cannot be with a guy who is a virgin” is that it perpetuates shame towards the men who decide to keep themselves for marriage. It fuels this idea that men aren’t really men if they’ve not dipped into the pool of sex. This then furthers the promiscuity and sexual immorality that already plagues the church because now some men are thinking they won’t be taken seriously if they don’t have some “years of experience” under their belt. It is almost as if the whole essence of the guy boils down to how he can please a woman in bed. And that is wrong. Not only does this propagate and fuel some of the insecurities some guys may have when it comes to sex- which in itself is a topic for another day- It also reveals the societal double standards between men and women– the normalization of adulterous men (boys will be boys) and the slut shaming of women.

Now, from a Biblical standpoint, if we were to do things like God intended, both parties would be virgins WITHOUT ANY experience. So to say “I don’t want a virgin” is to inherently say that God did not know what He was saying when He wanted purity for both parties going into marriage. It is also saying that we know better than God and that a little experience doesn’t hurt. Now, one might argue that “times have changed and the reality is that people are having sex and have experience”. This is true. But what is also true is that God’s standard for purity hasn’t changed and won’t change, and just because you’ve had sex in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep having sex or embracing immorality. The “no virgin” statement goes beyond “preference”. It is a mindset issue and it is important for us to examine what the root behind this thought process could be. 

Why not celebrate a guy who is committed to purity and honoring God? Why shame him for that? Now, I am not equating virginity to purity, but rather highlighting the intention of a guy who has decided to keep himself for marriage for the sole purpose of honoring God. 

An argument or reason that people bring up is “Why do I have to show you everything? I don’t have time to be teaching you to please me. You should already know what to do.” Well, the gag is regardless of how experienced a man is, he still needs to learn YOUR body. You still need to show him what YOU like. It doesn’t matter how much experience he has, he should want to learn your body and you should want him to. No one wants a prideful partner. Also, why are you with a person if you’re not willing to grow together or learn together? Getting intimate with your chosen partner is a beautiful gift from God and sex was created to nurture intimacy. Sex is not just a means to an orgasm. When you have that mindset, sex becomes a performance instead of a tool of intimacy. That mindset leads you to just focus on “getting there” and taking from the other person, and that is selfish. When you choose someone to partner with, you build a sex life…it is not a one night stand, so this gives room to learn what the other person may or may not like. 

WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE IDEA OF PERFORMATIVE SEX. 

You shouldn’t be wanting to prove yourself in bed. That’s not the intent of sex. And if you are wanting a woman or man to prove something to you through “acrobatics in bed”, you need to ask yourself where those patterns were learned and start to renew your mind. Your value isn’t found in your performance in bed. And the other person’s value is also not found in how well they can please you. Once we break away from these mindsets, we will be able to honor and cherish the gift of sex and intimacy. Sex is an act where we should be actively and intentionally seeking to honor the other party, so we need to be honest with ourselves and seek to examine if we are truly walking in honor. Even, the Bible reiterates many times to be devoted to one another. 

Sex was intended to be honoring, to be selfless and to please one another. Sex isn’t self-centered, it is other-centered. Sex isn’t just about you.

One might ask, “how do these sex talks apply to me, I’m not married?” Well, whatever mindset you possess before marriage is what you’ll carry into it. Even though the marital bed is undefiled (Hebrews 13:4), you could still have a mindset of lust that needs to be renewed and transformed. Lust doesn’t just disappear once you get married. Ask yourself these questions:

Where have my opinions about sex come from? Is it influenced by porn? The Bible? Godly couples? The movies I watch? (Spoiler alert: you’re not always going to be thrown against a wall like these movies portray. Sex won’t always be hot and steamy.) 

Do I think sex is bad? What emotions do I have attached to sex?

Do I find the idea of sex outside of marriage more exciting than sex in the covenant of marriage?

If I have bought into the lie that sex in marriage is boring, why is that?

Is sex solely about passion, performance, and personal gratification?

And then there are other concerns that arise for some. Like, 

“Sex will be awkward if I’m a virgin when I get married” Your first time may be awkward regardless, so be committed to pleasing God and being a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). Also, if you have sex with a partner who is impatient, whether outside or inside of marriage, it will be awkward. The plus about marriage is that you get to experience that awkwardness with someone you love and trust IN a God approved covenant. Marry someone you’re comfortable with and someone that will ease the discomforts and fears that you have….or marry someone that you can laugh with about awkward moments.

“I need to have experience to please my future spouse” Your wedding night is NOT A TALENT SHOW to show off skills and to prove a point. You don’t need to perform. If we adapt a mind shift from performative sex to intimate sex, we will be a step closer to God’s perfect intent for sex.

God is the one who created sex, (not Hollywood and definitely not the perversion society sells to us) so it is wise to go to the One who created it for wisdom on how to manuevre and thrive in that area. Ask God to show you the truth behind sex and why it’s so powerful.

As Christians, we have been called to be set apart and to allow the Holy Spirit renew our minds and transform us. This is in all aspects of our lives. Including sex. We should not be conformed to the patterns of the world (Romans 12:2). 

Guys, we need to be mindful of the songs we listen to and the things said in mainstream media. “Oh, I have a premium hoohaa and that’s why your man wants me.” “I throw it down in the bedroom” “I pleased him/her better than you (ex) so I’m better than you” “When you’re kissing him, you’re kissing me”. All these songs and sayings promote the idea that you have to perform to be valued and they also incite the spirit of competitiveness. Then all of a sudden you wonder why you have placed your worth in your performance in bed and your private area. We have to quit objectifying ourselves and cease limiting our sense of self worth to what another human being thinks about us sexually. That’s NOT who God has called us to be. That’s not where God wants us placing our value/worth/identity. 

For my brother or sister keeping yourself for marriage, it is important to recognize that you could still have these seeds of lust and worldly definitions of sex planted in your heart. And that is why we should actively be purging lies from the enemy concerning sex. 

There is so much to be unpacked when it comes to the hot topic of sex. From the culture of shame surrounding women with multiple partners to guys being praised for the same exact thing. From placing the value of a guy on his size (mocking guys who aren’t necessarily endowed or praising guys who are endowed) to expecting women to fit certain body standards. Either way, we really need to ask ourselves where we’ve gained our knowledge of sex from and then seek to possibly unlearn and relearn what sex should actually look like. 

If I try to unpack everything concerning this topic, this blog will be a whole book. So for now, I will end here. I hope this blog was insightful. If you have any questions, some rebuttals or just want to discuss, feel free to comment, or shoot me an email. 

Remember: Satan will do anything he can to get you to have sex outside of marriage and anything he can to keep you from having sex in marriage.

God willing, in my subsequent blogs, I’ll be diving into topics such as “What if I wait and then the sex is trash?” and “what the heck am I supposed to do with my sex drive?”