I have walked with Jesus for six years and during those six years I have had highs and some lows. However, this season in my life feels way different than past seasons I’ve walked through because I feel as if God is not just writing a new chapter in my life but rather, a whole new book. Everything I have ever known is being crushed and rebuilt. But even as I write that down, I see the lovingkindness of God. He doesn’t just come in and destroy yokes, He replaces the void with His goodness. God doesn’t just uproot, He plants. He doesn’t just drive out darkness, He replaces it with His light. He doesn’t just break things down, He rebuilds and restores what was destroyed with even better than what He met. He is a restorer. And the way He restores isn’t in the way we envision. No, He comes in and He gives tenfold of what used to be. He restores and makes brand new. For instance, if what you had before was a one, God doesn’t restore the old but gives a new portion and gives two or more. I am reminded of the story of Job and his restoration. Job 42:12a “The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.” That is the love of the Father– Elyashib which means “God restores”
A song that describes this beautifully and shows the heart of our LORD, is Restorer by Ty Bello. Click here to listen
Anyways, back to this new season, the glorious year six. It’s almost as if all that I’ve known is crumbling down and I am having to take a hard look at my heart and my relationship with Jesus. And this wouldn’t have occurred if I hadn’t fallen to my lowest and had certain revelations about myself. Having to ask myself hard questions like “Do I really know God?” and “Is God really my friend?” And then COVID happened, and God continued to deal with me during the pandemic. I do not know about y’all but 2020 has been a year and we are only halfway through it. BUT WE ARE NOT CANCELING THE YEAR THAT WOKE US UP, OKAY?!
There are certain songs that mark the season I find myself. And right now, if any song could describe my revelation about my relationship with God, it will be Lean Back by Maverick City Music and Amanda Lindsey Cook. My whole life had been one of proving myself through achievements and works and I thought I had to do the same with Jesus. That I had to work for His love and prove that I deserved to be his child. So when God began to reveal what His steadfast love really meant, it was hard to wrap my mind around it. That He did not love me more or less based on my good behavior and He in fact chose me when sin was my companion. That His righteousness covers me and I am made upright by His work in my life and when I ask for forgiveness, I am forgiven. It is so easy. All I have to do is receive and enter His rest. And that takes faith. That takes a deep renewal of my mind because my mind had been wired to think otherwise.
And I realized this new revelation of who Christ is, is an answered prayer. I prayed that I would love God and others genuinely, but I couldn’t do that without God first showing me His true love, His perfect love that casts out all fear, the grace that enables me to live right and approach the throne of grace boldly and unashamed.
So I am still on that journey of seeing Jesus more and more clearly, and learning to receive the love He lavishes on me daily, every minute, every second. Choosing to believe that He sings over me with songs of deliverance and that He loves what He sees when He looks down at me. That I am His precious, His beloved and His child. That He really never leaves me and He is closer than my very breath and skin. That His love chooses me daily. This is where I am at. Learning to be loved by a gracious Father. YAHWEH…my relational God.
He loves me. *sigh* I am thankful for it.
So after six years of walking with the Lord, I am realizing more and more that I have not even grasped the fullness of His love (and I probably won’t because it’s so wide and deep). And until my race ends and I come face to face with Him, I will continue to be in awe of how great His love is. If there’s one thing God has been teaching me, it is that in some ways I thought my works would earn His love. But praise God that His love cannot be earned because I would fail terribly. I love that God is revealing His love ever more clearly to me. His love makes no sense, it is indeed relentless and reckless…but I am grateful for it because I would be nothing without Him.
In my next Journal Journey, I will be sharing how God has been showing me aspects of myself that need pruning…painful but definitely necessary. Hebrews 12:6 “For the LORD disciplines the one He loves, and He chastens everyone he accepts as His son”